I found a part of me I didn’t know was missing…
And then I lost it….I lost him.
Arrrggh god this is so hard to write. I am not even sure where I start.
Life can be scary. But I always say… stop hiding… don’t be scared to show the real you.
And here I am petrified to talk about this.
Because this was real for me… a real love and a real heartbreak.
A pain like nothing I had ever experienced before….
I make it no secret that I have struggled with accepting a kind love, due to my past.. my experiences, the very things that make me who I am today…
I believed I was unlovable.
Then I met someone who changed that.
Who looked at me and for the first time in my life, I felt seen.
I remember the day he called me it was strange, I got all giddy like my heart and soul knew him already and it grew from there.
I had no idea what was going on, it was such a whirlwind… but it wasn’t lust.
It felt like it should have been crazy but it wasn’t, it felt like I’d come home. We felt the same.
I missed them in places they had never been, like a part of me I had found, a part I didn’t know was missing … a part of me that made me complete.
It’s funny… well not in the haha way we like, but I heard this line a little while ago and it stuck with me.
“You will not be complete without them but you will always be whole”
I felt that.
I understand that.
I am more whole then I have ever been, but it took heartbreak and pain to get here… and I will keep unpeeling the layers of ego and protection as I go….
Life has moved on….
But I am aware that there is a part of me, that I no longer have. That it left with him.
And I miss him everyday.
I miss his smile, his laugh… his eyes…
I miss that everything just felt better with him around. Like no matter what was coming, we would get through it.
We just met at the wrong time… we made mistakes. I made mistakes.
And losing him has been the most painful lesson I have had to go through.
I was scared, I was scared of what the love was and I was scared that I wasn’t worthy of it.
I didn’t ask questions from love, I asked them from fear. But I didn’t hear…. I wasn’t ready to listen… I wasn’t ready to love unconditionally. I just thought I was.
So I masked my fears with protection… A don’t give a shit attitude…
We treat love as if it's fragile, when the truth is love isn’t fragile. We are.
Love is pure, it's permanent and it's strong.
And we have to learn to trust it.
To let go of the fear.
To lean in and know whatever’s supposed to happen will happen.
The greatest gift is to open your heart again after it's been broken.
To love unconditionally.
And I had to lose in order to learn that.
I lost the person I love, my best friend.
And a part of me.
I’m ready to listen, I am ready to hear and I’m ready to love ♥️