You Can Find Your Way Back To You...
I realised the other week that I have never told my whole story, I tell parts…
Bits here and there when I talk about things I’ve learned and things I have overcome.
Today’s not the day for the whole story…
But what I do want to share is why I do what I do.
A little bit of me.
People look at what I do and how I show up in the world and they see who I am now…
But I haven’t always been like this.
See now, I talk about confidence, about loving yourself, about removing the masks you put on just to show up every day….
But before this…. I was wearing the mask.
On the outside I was confident, happy, successful….
And that’s what made it harder to find my way back to me….
Why would anyone believe me?
Because what they didn’t know was on the inside I was a mess, full of anxiety…
A simple conversation would send me into a 3 day frenzy of overthinking, not sleeping and just pure stress.
Why did I make that joke?
Why didn’t I just stop talking?
Why am I always filling in the gaps?
What must they think?
I’m a bad mother…
I don’t have my shit together…
What’s wrong with me.
What IS wrong with me?
Why can’t I just be normal?
Did I lock the doors? I know I've checked them already… but I better check again…
And that’s how it started, from checking again to then 10 times, 20 times, 30, 40….
OMG.. I really am crazy, what if someone found out… my children would be taken from me.
What is a matter with me?
I have to pretend to be ok…
And that was the cycle.. round and round, again and again…
See I am 34 years old, and my life changed overnight when I was 18. It fell apart. Or at least I did… on the inside.
At 18, I was raped by someone I knew, someone I should have been able to trust.
And everything changed in that moment…
Today is not the day for that part of the story either but it led me to some dark places…
Standing on train platforms with a little voice telling me to just step out, it will all be over, you won’t hurt any more. I was not even 20 years old when those thoughts used to go through my head…and no one knew.
Surrounded by people, my family, friends and I never felt more alone.
Like I was standing on the edge of my life, trying to hold on.
I never believed I deserved love, not in a kind way at least….
I was 18 when it all changed… and I found myself having to deal with some pretty rough stuff after that…
Stuff I have not really spoken about to the people closest to me…
I was scared of what people might think…
I was really young the first time I ever got hit…. And it went from there.
Fractured ribs, hair ripped from my head, boot prints left on my face… a body covered in bruises from being thrown through furniture….
I couldn’t even begin to count the kicks or punches I've had.
No, I didn’t go to the police, no I didn’t tell anyone…. Why?
Because I believed I deserved it. I believed they didn’t mean it, I believed it would get better and I believed they loved me.
Logically I knew it wasn’t right….
But where’s logic when you are in a situation like that…
I am a smart girl, I can look after myself and I listen to people say that they would never put up with a situation like that… what’s wrong with these people staying with someone who would do that.
If that’s you… then first off just stop.
That person is judging themselves harder than ever could imagine and what you are actually doing is isolating them even more.
And secondly, the physical aspect is bad… yes. But the mental side… the mindset is the problem.
The judgement, the fear, the wanting to be accepted and just be bloody normal. To not have a wonky head…and not even knowing where to start with it all.
It's not a class or money thing… my clients range from young adults, single parents to successful business owners with families…
Their surroundings may be different but they all are dealing with the same thing.
They don’t feel good enough, they are lost and they don’t know who they are any more.
Their mindset and confidence is the issue and that’s why I do what I do…
No one should feel lost in their own life… scared to be seen.
I changed my life around in a very short space of time…. after years of not feeling good enough….
I found my voice and I found my strength.
And now I help others do the same.
I hope this message lands with whoever needs to hear it today.
You don’t need to feel not good enough….
You can be free from past experiences and mistakes, free from judgement and self-doubt.
You can find your way back to you…
It's not too late ❤️